Tantrums? Already?!
Author: Amy Barr
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By 12 months, babies are testing their limits and struggling to communicate their needs-all of which can lead to frustration, fatigue and, ultimately, tantrums you didn't expect until your child hit the so-called terrible twos.
And even though she's only one year old, her moods can be hard to predict. Your little darling might let you change her diaper without a peep in the morning, then have a meltdown on the changing table that afternoon.
What's this emotional roller coaster all about? Although you might think your baby is losing her once-sunny personality, she's actually coping with the growth and transformation that go with this age.
"The effort of figuring out new things can be frustrating, even for adults," observes Dr. Daniel Heller, a Boston-area pediatrician. "Now imagine doing that when you're just starting to make sense of the world and while grown-ups are continually tossing questions at you, asking what you want. The good news is that your baby is starting to think for himself."
Once you know why these behaviors erupt, you can usually prevent them by figuring out the triggers and avoiding or controlling the situations in which they typically occur.
Many tantrums can be prevented, but your baby can't do this by herself. "I frequently have to remind parents of how very young their baby is when it comes to communication skills, reasoning ability and self-control," says Dr. Suzanne Rosenfeld, a pediatrician in New York City.
The trick is to determine what upsets your child and head problems off at the pass. Adrienne Noriega, a massage therapist in Watertown, Mass., learned the hard way what bugs 16-month-old Alessandra. "My daughter lasts about an hour in the stroller. Any longer than that and I'm treading on thin ice," reports Noriega.
When Kris Hoogendoorn, an interior designer in Winchester, Mass., works on sketches in her home office, her 15-month-old son, Joris, often pulls at her, wanting to be picked up. "I stop what I'm doing and give him my full attention for a few minutes. I've found that approach is better than giving him half my attention while trying to work," she explains. "After a minute or two of interaction, he'll play by himself for a good long stretch."
Kathleen Triem is an experienced mother in Ghent, N.Y. who has a four-year-old and two-year-old twins. Triem found that focusing on the root of the problem-rather than on the behavior-worked best at the 12-month mark. "If one of my children became agitated, I considered what he or she was doing before the tantrum began," she says. "Playing with a toy that was too complicated for a one-year-old? Trying to grasp something that was out of reach? To determine what was wrong, I'd often pick up the child and point to things that he or she might have wanted."
Rosenfeld encourages parents to stay calm when a child's fuse grows short. "If your baby senses that you're getting tense, he's likely to dig in his heels." Rosenfeld also suggests picking your battles-a skill that's useful for parents of children of any age. "If you sense a tantrum brewing, ask yourself: Is this really important? If your baby refuses to wear his jacket and it's not snowing, skip the confrontation and head out. Just bring the jacket along. When he feels cold, he'll let you put it on."
Create a Stress-Free Space
Making your house not just kid-safe but kid-friendly will make your child's life-and yours-a lot easier. Of course, you're going to put away things that might hurt her, but what about objects that she might damage? Precious antiques, family photographs and shiny jewelry can be as enticing to her as they are to you, so avoid tantrums over things a baby shouldn't have - but will probably find attractive - by stowing them out of sight until she's older.
"One tactic that worked in our house was leaving decoys around, like old wallets or handbags," says Triem. "I let the kids discover them on their own, which made them happy." And then there's always that unexpected gold mine. "For some reason, one of the twins loved dental floss, so I offered it when she didn't want to give up something she shouldn't be handling."
Hoogendoorn took advantage of her family's recent move to a bigger house to set up a play space for Joris. "It cut down on problems because his toys are right there, and he isn't tempted to touch things he shouldn't. But he's also near us, so if he gets frustrated, we can intervene before a tantrum gets under way," she says.
Daily routines are important tools in your anti-tantrum kit, says an expert Tracy Hogg, author of Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers. They help you structure the givens in your child's daily life, such as mealtimes, baths and bedtimes. "Such day-to-day rites enable children to understand what's coming next in their day as well as what's expected of them," Hogg says. That consistency leaves little room for parent-child power struggles and the anxiety and tears that can result.