Keeping Kids Happy After Divorce

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Learn about studies that give parents a roadmap to keep kids happy and strong in the aftermath of divorce.

Plamen Petkov

Introduction

Divorce affects more than 1 million children in the United States each year. The debate rages on about whether its enduring effects are always damaging (a point of view that has long been promulgated by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., the Marin County, California, author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce) or less negative than previously thought (an argument made by Charlottesville, Virginia, psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., in her recent book For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered). But what has finally been proven is that there are definite factors that help or hinder children's adjustment to the fracturing of their parents' marriage. "A divorce is a tremendous stress in a child's life, but how it's handled makes a big difference," says Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., senior scholar with the Council on Contemporary Families in New York City and author of The Good Divorce. Recent research highlights effective strategies parents can use to help children deal with the stress. They can be the keys to a smoother transition and a happier new family.

Work Out an Agreement Together

Using mediation, a process of settling disputes with the help of an impartial third party (often a lawyer or therapist with training), instead of the adversarial approach in which lawyers battle out a settlement, usually in court, leads to a more harmonious ending of a marriage -- and a more cooperative beginning to the new state of the family. And the effects are long-lasting. A recent study at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville found that parents who'd mediated custody disputes were more likely to remain involved in many areas of their kids' lives 12 years later than those who'd used litigation.

In mediation a husband and wife negotiate their settlement with the assistance of a mediator -- setting the pace, doing the work, and producing the ultimate agreement, and only then consulting an attorney to review the agreement for accuracy and sufficiency, explains Sam Margulies, Ph.D., a former litigator turned mediator who practices in Montclair, New Jersey, and Greensboro, North Carolina. "The adversarial process has a polarizing effect on parents," adds Dr. Margulies, the author of Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life. "It leaves them bitter and unable to talk to each other, and that's when the kids suffer."

Mediation on the other hand can often help parents work through their anger and grief together, says Virginia study coauthor Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., a professor of psychology, director of the University's Center for Children, Families and the Law, and author of an upcoming book on children and divorce. "It gives parents the time they need to deal with their emotions without running away."

"Relatively speaking, mediation is a more amicable way to go," agrees a divorced father in Charlottesville, who used the process in 1996 to settle on joint custody of his now 9-year-old daughter. "It gives both parties the chance to state their case and listen to the other's without the heated back-and-forth there would be in a courtroom. And it doesn't involve issuing subpoenas to people who are close to you."

Maintain Stability and Consistency

These are the watchwords when it comes to how parents handle divorce. While many variables play a role in how divorce affects children, Dr. Emery emphasizes that these factors make the biggest difference: whether the child has a strong relationship with at least one parent and a good one with the other, the absence or containment of conflict between the two parents and economic stability. "You want to give children all of those things in marriage and divorce," he adds.

In her research over the past 30 years, Dr. Hetherington, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Virginia, has found that having a competent parent can help protect kids from the potentially harmful effects of divorce. "Parenting skills decline during the stress of divorce," she explains. "A lot of parents think they can't be firm in their discipline because they feel they've already put the child through enough. But kids need to have rules in the home and to have them enforced."

This not only helps children feel that to some extent life goes on in the usual fashion, it also gives them a sense of security because they know what's expected of them. That is what happened with Allison Bell, a divorced mom of two in Muncie, Indiana, and her ex-husband. "We both put the physical and emotional health of our kids first," Bell says. "After we split up, we backed each other up when it came to discipline. This helped the kids realize that some things weren't changing."

Research proves that consistency helps kids adjust to the new realities of their life. In fact, a recent study at Arizona State University in Tempe involving kids ages 8 to 15 found that those whose mothers exhibited acceptance of the divorce and maintained consistent discipline were much less likely to have adjustment problems than those whose moms had trouble accepting the change and being consistent with discipline.

Even with all that's known about divorce, there's a debate about what constitutes the best custody arrangement for families. A recent review conducted by the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in Baltimore concluded that kids from divorced families who either live with both parents at different times or spend certain periods of time with each parent are better adjusted than those who live exclusively with one parent. "But if conflict is extremely high, joint custody exposes the child to chronic fighting," Dr. Hetherington says.

Since it can take months and sometimes years to work out the kinks in a divorce agreement, keep as much stable in an unstable situation as you can, Dr. Ahrons says. For instance, it's better if kids don't have to switch schools immediately after a divorce. Some parents use what she calls the "birds'-nest arrangement," where the kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out on a weekly basis. It's logistically difficult, Dr. Ahrons admits, "but it gives the children some stability until parents can figure out what to do in the long run."

Develop a Parenting Partnership

Thinking that divorcing your spouse means you'll be rid of him or her for the rest of your life is naive. After all, when you have a child together, you're bound forever. Accepting that fact is an important step in making life easier for children. Many former spouses are cooperating with each other like never before and redefining their families.

Enter the parenting partnership. "Work toward a businesslike relationship where the rules are more structured and you are more formal and polite with each other," Dr. Emery says. The goal is to put aside your differences and grievances and focus on your child's welfare, making it your top priority. About 25 percent of parents develop this kind of cooperative relationship in which they talk regularly about what's going on in the child's life and get together for special occasions such as the child's birthday, according to Dr. Hetherington. But this isn't always possible, especially if parents continue to hold grudges against each other. In about 50 percent of families, parents develop a parallel co-parenting style in which they don't interfere with each other but rarely communicate. "Although young children do better when their mother and father take a cooperative parenting approach, it's surprising how easily most kids adjust to parallel parenting," Dr. Hetherington notes. The remaining 25 percent of couples have high levels of conflict even six years later; this, of course, distresses kids and undermines their well-being, she says.

Create a Support System for Your Child

You may find it too hard to hear the sadness and anger your child feels. If so, recruit another adult, such as an aunt or a teacher, with whom she can discuss the changes. Try to preserve all the positive relationships between your child and her relatives that existed before the divorce. "Too often after divorce, children lose touch with an entire side of their family," Dr. Warshak says. "This magnifies their loss." Kids know they're supported when they have a system for airing their requests or grievances. "My younger child writes down things he doesn't like about the situation at my house or his mother's house, and a few times each month, the three of us sit down and discuss them," says Randy Martin. "We talk about what we can do. If it turns out we can't do anything about them, we've at least acknowledged his feelings."

Being willing to do your best to accommodate your child's evolving needs reassures him that he's loved and valued by both of his parents as much as ever. After all, for better or worse, divorce is a lifelong change that parents and kids will have to continue to adapt to. Experts liken the effect of divorce on children to a marathon rather than a sprint. But it's a test of endurance that can be successfully completed if cooperation, creativity, flexibility and sensitivity are exercised over the years. "It takes a lot of work to have a good divorce -- and it's not work that ends easily," says Dr. Ahrons. "It takes time."